Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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