Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
its liver damage thursday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
