shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
They are going to name an STD after you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
