how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
