My liver just broke up with me...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
