Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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