I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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