I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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