Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Someone shit on the floor
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
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i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
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It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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