So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
