She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
