In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
