She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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