just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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