so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
