I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize