the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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