Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
