the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
