While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
