Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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