My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
