I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
