I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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