So drunk its hurt
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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