there's paper in my vomit.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
