STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
