Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
