Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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