I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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