If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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