Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
