Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
FUCK WHALES
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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