i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
