"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
