I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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