just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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