An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
