If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
