I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
