I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
