you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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