Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
