Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I intend to get homeless drunk
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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