my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
