Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
