My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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