today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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