hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
