I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
