Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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