Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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