I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
