she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
