If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
