Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
