I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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