i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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