im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
