She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
